SCENE 5

In their hotel room, Jerry gleefully reports to Joe about how Osgood has proposed marriage after a night of liberating tango dancing.

Jerry: (sings) Olay!

Joe: Jerry, everything under control?

Jerry: Have I got things to tell you?

Joe: What happened?

Jerry: I’m engaged.

Joe: Congratulations, who’s the lucky girl?

Jerry: I am.

Joe: What?!

Jerry: Osgood 31)proposed to me. We're planning a June wedding.

Joe: What are you talking about? You can’t marry Osgood!

Jerry: You think he’s too old for me?

Joe: Jerry, you can’t be serious.

Jerry: Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time.

Joe: But you’re not a girl, you’re a guy! And why would a guy want to marry a guy?

Jerry: Security.

Joe: Jerry, you better lie down. You’re not well.

Jerry: Will you stop treating me like a child? I’m not stupid, I know there’s problem.

Joe: I’ll say there is.

Jerry: His mother, we need her 32)approval, but I’m not worried because I don’t smoke.

Joe: Jerry, there’s another problem. Like what are you going to do on your honeymoon?

Jerry: We’ve been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera, but I kind of lean towards Niagara Falls.

Joe: Jerry, you’re out of your mind! How are you going to 33)get away with this?

Jerry: I don’t expect it to last, Joe. I’ll tell him the truth when the time comes.

Joe: Like when?

Jerry: Like right after the ceremony.

Joe: Oh.

Jerry: Then we get a quick 34)annul-ment, he makes a nice 35)settlement on me, and I keep getting those alimony checks every month.

Joe: Jerry, Jerry, listen to me, listen to me! There are laws, 36)conventions. It’s just not being done!

Jerry: Shh... Joe, this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire!

Joe: Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will you? Just keep telling yourself: you’re a boy, you’re a boy.

Jerry: I’m a boy.

Joe: That’s the boy!

Jerry: Oh I’m a boy. I’m a boy. I wish I were dead!